So I got back from my trip last Sunday, but almost immediately, I went had played ”single mom” with the little boy I nanny.  His parents are in Europe for 2 weeks so I had him 24/7 for four days.

I’ve done overnights like this with other families, but this is the first time with Sam.  He did pretty well and didn’t seem to be missing mommy and daddy too much.  But let me tell YOU…being a mom (single mom at that) is tough work.  Props to all the mamas out there!!

I wouldn’t say that the ‘looking after the kid’ part is tough…it’s the isolation.  Don’t get me wrong, we got out quite a bit (dinner with my family, out for breakfast, even to the blood donor clinic lol) but there’s only so many activities you can do with a 2 year old.  And then he sleeps for 3 hours in the afternoon and is in bed by 8ish.  After that…what’s a girl to do?  Unfortunately Abby+alone+too much time with her thoughts doesn’t always turn out so hot.

To be completely honest, I definitely slipped up this week.  I wouldn’t say full-out relapse…more of a lapse (more temporary yes?).  I think it was a combonation of the time alone this week and returning home from the bike trip.  It’s always interesting coming home after a week or more of being on a bike trip.  I’ve said before that I do well (in a lack of Ed sense) on the trips, but then coming home….much trickier.

I tell myself the entire bike trip that “for this week, I will NOT have an eating disorder“…it’s like my mantra.  It works pretty well for the most part…but I think the reason it works is because I know it’s only for a week and once I get home, I can choose to do what I want.  So then when I DO get home….it’s a toss up.  I do truely and honestly want to be well and healthy.  I want to recover.  But when something gets thrown my way (say, alone every night at 8 o’clock?), it still seems like Ed swoops in like a super hero to save the day the jerk who ruins a good party ;) .

So I’m back home again, less one 2 year old (at his grandparents’ cottage for a week).  But I get here and turns out my roommate’s boyfriend is staying here for a few days.  This is another one of those things that ‘gets thrown my way’.  I love my roommate and I’m really happy for her.  It’s just that a) I don’t really know her boyfriend that well and b) from what I do know about him, I’m not sure I like him all that much yet :S.  drama. I haven’t told her any of this, but I feel like when he’s here, I’m a guest in my own apartment.  I feel like I can’t just walk around in my pj’s or without makeup or just be myself. And I don’t like that feeling.  Because when I don’t feel like I can be myself, I end up being Ed. I end up staying in my room (isolating), changing outfits 4 or 5 times  and worried about what I’m eating (preoccupied/obsessed with how I look and with food) and I don’t like it.  It also reminds me that I don’t have a boyfriend…but that’s a whole other post ;) .

The problem is that my roommate’s boyfriend lives 1 1/2 hrs from here so they don’t get to see eachother that often.  But usually they see each other on weekends, and so far, he’s been coming here.  I don’t feel like it’s my place to say that I have a problem with him being here, because I think the problem is with me.  Just another something Abby has to work on I suppose…

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