Hmmm….I’ve been putting off posting the last few days.  It’s important to me that this is a space to be honest and truthful, however hard that is.  And I suppose if you’re reading this, you likely know that the truths and honesty involved in recovery isn’t always sunshine and daffodils.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately.  I had off-days over the past several months, but am usually able to fight through it and stay on track in terms of my eating plan.  It felt like I was just waiting for the ball to drop though…almost looking for a reason to give in to Ed.  To me, it felt almost inevidable that a full-out relapse was going to happen and I just wanted to get it over with.  To be clear, I didn’t want to relapse…it just felt like I’d been on the brink of it for months and it was like ‘ok!  just happen already!’  There was something very uncomfortable about teetering on the edge like that for so long.

Last week I was off work, and being alone (my roommate was at work still) is always tricky.  Looking back on my last post, it seems so long ago that I felt inspired and hopeful.  Right now I feel lost, secretive, alone, and disappointed. It all happened so fast and even though I felt like it was coming, I’d forgotten just how quickly I get sucked back in to all this.

I want to reach out for help, but it’s hard.  I feel like everyone has seen me doing so well this year and that they wouldn’t know what to do with this.  And I’m not sure even I know what to do with this.  It’s all very uncertain.  It’s a cloudy day today outside…sometimes you just need a cloudy day to remind you that even though it’s not there every day, the sun will shine again.

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