So I know I have no idea who reads this…but I’ve been putting off posting again, dreading it actually.  It shouldn’t feel that way because it’s so anonymous, but I still feel like I’ve let myself down.  I know though that sharing, the good the bad the ugly, is part of healing and so I’m trying to stay committed to this.

To cut to the chase, I bought a scale. I haven’t told a single person and it’s hidden from my roommate.  I haven’t own a scale in almost a year, as I left it when I moved out of my old place.  I didn’t really  need my own scale there though since my roommate at the time was weight watchers obsessed and had a scale directly in front of the toilet.  Hard to miss.

I was really upset to find that my current employer keeps a scale in their bathroom to prop the door open.  Haven’t you ever heard of a fancy little doo-dad called a DOOR-STOP?!?!  *sigh* so I’ve had to walk by a friggin scale multiple times a day for the last 9 months.  Somehow, I’ve resisted using it all this time…out of shear terror I think.

As I’m sure most of you know/have experienced, the relationship I have with scales is a love/hate.  The last few weeks as I’ve been struggling again have been flip-floppy: one minute I just HAVE to know what I weigh now (out of fear that I’ve gained) and the next minute I wouldn’t dream of stopping on it (out of fear that it would send my into an Ed-induced tailspin).

I saw a sale in a flyer and drove to the store the other day with the intention of only purchasing said scale.  I literally said to myself out-loud “Abby, this is a really stupid idea.  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??”  Shaking my head, I continued to drive and get the scale.  It sat in my room for a full day…I’d lay in bed thinking ok, if I see [x] weight, then I’ll completely lose it, freak out.  if I see [x] weight, then it’ll be ok….actually no, I don’t think I’d be ok with that either and so on and so on and so on.

I’m ashamed, embarrassed and sad that, after all that…after my logical self tried and tried to talk me out of it…after all that, I still weighed myself yesterday.  It was so weird…it immediately took me back to the last time I did that, when I was very much sick. I’m sad that I gave in without much of a fight…and I’m concerned as to how my already shaky recovery will be affected.

I need time to think.  I need to express my worries to someone who can give me feedback…someone who’s been here before and can tell me that (with a lot of work), I can get back on track.

So there’s my rant…hopefully post this week’s goals tomorrow.  Stay cool everyone!

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