I’ve really been struggling a lot lately. I don’t know if any one event kind of started it all or what, although I know that an upcoming reunion, family events galore, and a new purchase *hint: you stand on it and numbers flash at you * don’t help the matter.

The last few weeks have been hard. I’ve been sharing my weekly goals and updates with my mentor still which has been good…reflecting on the past week has been esspecially helpful as it forces me to look at both the challenges AND successes. But lately there’s definitely been more challenges.

I feel very alone…I know part of it is because I’m isolating myself again, lying to people and keeping secrets. But another part of it is being too busy wrapped up in ‘all this’ to have the time or energy for relationships. I’m surprised, yet again, at how quickly I can fall into old habits and unhealthy thoughts becoming all-consuming. I know I’m not ‘back at square one’, but it’s almost Worse because I KNOW what I should be doing…I KNOW I have great tools and knowledge from treatment that I can put to good use…but I’m not utilizing all those skills.

I’m angry at being in this place again…which leads me to being angry with everyone and everything around me. It’s just a tricky situation here for sure. I know there are ‘easy solutions’…and I want to get back on track, I do. I just needed the vent and I’m sure someone out there understands.

To cut to the chase, I bought a scale. I haven’t told a single person and it’s hidden from my roommate.  I haven’t own a scale in almost a year, as I left it when I moved out of my old place.  I didn’t really  need my own scale there though since my roommate at the time was weight watchers obsessed and had a scale directly in front of the toilet.  Hard to miss.

I was really upset to find that my current employer keeps a scale in their bathroom to prop the door open.  Haven’t you ever heard of a fancy little doo-dad called a DOOR-STOP?!?!  *sigh* so I’ve had to walk by a friggin scale multiple times a day for the last 9 months.  Somehow, I’ve resisted using it all this time…out of shear terror I think.

As I’m sure most of you know/have experienced, the relationship I have with scales is a love/hate.  The last few weeks as I’ve been struggling again have been flip-floppy: one minute I just HAVE to know what I weigh now (out of fear that I’ve gained) and the next minute I wouldn’t dream of stopping on it (out of fear that it would send my into an Ed-induced tailspin).

I saw a sale in a flyer and drove to the store the other day with the intention of only purchasing said scale.  I literally said to myself out-loud “Abby, this is a really stupid idea.  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??”  Shaking my head, I continued to drive and get the scale.  It sat in my room for a full day…I’d lay in bed thinking ok, if I see [x] weight, then I’ll completely lose it, freak out.  if I see [x] weight, then it’ll be ok….actually no, I don’t think I’d be ok with that either and so on and so on and so on.

I’m ashamed, embarrassed and sad that, after all that…after my logical self tried and tried to talk me out of it…after all that, I still weighed myself yesterday.  It was so weird…it immediately took me back to the last time I did that, when I was very much sick. I’m sad that I gave in without much of a fight…and I’m concerned as to how my already shaky recovery will be affected.

I need time to think.  I need to express my worries to someone who can give me feedback…someone who’s been here before and can tell me that (with a lot of work), I can get back on track.

So there’s my rant…hopefully post this week’s goals tomorrow.  Stay cool everyone!

Last week was a hard one – family pet’s death and another one missing (but returned!) – and I realized that my first response to stress is still ED behaviours. That’s got to change…awareness is a good first step though I think. I did complete all my goals, although found that trying to make a ‘complete dinner’ after a long day of work (nannying a 2 year old) sometimes just doesn’t happen. More to work on I suppose.

SO – here goes this weeks goals:

Goal: to continue to challenge Ed-head, disagree and disobey ED
Obj1: have a complete MEAL (maybe lunch will be easier to make than dinner) 3 times this week (carb, protein, veg.)
Obj2: Only walk (not run) this week until I’m 100% better (fighting a nasty chest cold at the moment…isn’t is summertime??? grrr). basically, LISTEN to my body and do a self-check-in before I leave each day to see if I really want to/am ok to go
Obj3: Create ‘pocket affirmations’ (I have several extended-family functions this weekend with people who, lets just say, don’t really put me in a healthy state of mind…very triggering. My hope is that I can maybe bring with me a few little positive notes to help combat a lot of the negative thoughts I have that tend to dominate)

My mentor shared with me a really great ‘tidbit’ that’s stuck with me this week so I thought I’d share with you all:

“Do the next right thing.” To me that means, after a slip-up/rough day,I don’t have to wait til the morning, Monday, or the first of the month to start fresh again and work on recovery.

Have a good week everyone!  I’m hoping that this stupid bug works it’s way through my system a.s.a.p! BOO! I’m so SICK of being SICK all the time!

I’ve recently made an effort to get back into making weekly goals.  In treatment, each week we’d make a set of goals and objectives for the week and then would report back on how we did at the following group.  I found that having to be accountable was by far the most motivating factor.  I’ve made goals before (healthy/unhealthy/whatever), but sometimes had trouble staying focused on them.  Goals always brought up thoughts of loftiness, unattainable, failing. I think it’s because, in the past, I set goals that were almost impossible to reach…setting myself up for failure.  When I entered treatment, goals and I didn’t have a very good relationship, to say the least.

But for a lack of better words, I was forced to set weekly goals in one of the groups I was a part of.  I mean, we didn’t have to…but what was the point of working on recovery if I wasn’t going to work on recovery ya know?  And so I set my goals each week and reported back on my progress the following week.  As I shared, I always felt heard and my hard work was acknowledged. I received so much support from the team and other group members, all of whom offered their insights and encouragement.  I remember the nutritionist telling me one week that “change should feel a bit uncomfortable”. That really spoke to me – if you’re not feeling a little unsure or anxious about a goal, you might not be pushing yourself as much as you need to.  But on the flip side, you can’t set goals that send your anxiety level through the roof either.  It’s all about BALANCE.

We learned to set S.M.A.R.T GOALS:

S – Specific (be CLEAR about what you want to acheive
M – Measurable (so you know when you’ve attained it)
A – Attainable (nothing too lofty)
R – Realistic (Is this really something you can do at this point in your recovery?)
T – Timely (Set a limit on when you will acheive this goal)

We would pick an ‘overarching goal’ each week (ex. to be more mindful, to learn to manage my triggers, to use my voice), and then 3 ‘objectives’ (short-term, S.M.A.R.T ways of reaching your overall goal).  SO, in order to be accountable to myself and whoever chooses to read this, here are my goals this week:

Goal: To challenge my current state of ‘Ed-head’
Obj1:  Have a complete (protein, carb, veg.) dinner 2 times this week
Obj2: Replace one workout with a hike/walk (something I actually enjoy!) this week.  And take a friend/family member!
Obj3: Complete 2 ‘thought-stopping’ worksheets (acknowlege, challenge, reframe an automatic negative thought)

So there it is.  I hope, when you are ready, you set some goals for yourself too.  It pays off!

On top of that, I’m at my sister’s house right now hoping with all my heart that her cat Dante returns home. He’s an indoor cat, and my sister and her husband recently moved. He escaped this morning and hasn’t been seen since…and there’s a busy road very near as well. We’re all praying for his return.

All of this has brought up a lot of scary feelings…sadness, grief, fear, anxiety. At the website I talked about in one of the last posts (MentorConnect), we talked a lot about feelings and not running from them. Boy, am I being tested today. I realize (especially today) that with all these feelings, the first thing I do is resort to symptoms. I am doing my best to thought-stop and keep myself on track, but in all the stress, it’s difficult.

A friend of mine in treatment told me once that ‘each minute is a brand new minute to start fresh’ – you don’t need to wait until the morning, Monday, or the first of the month to begin recovery again. I’m trying to hold onto that thought a lot right now.

Smooch 1997-2009

But all the activity has left me a tad drained.  I’m trying very hard to keep myself fueled (not just today, everyday) but am finding a lot of obstacles.  Ok, one obstacle: Ed. Ugly, unwelcome Ed.  I’m very frustrated by this current slip in my progress, and it’s especially hard because I don’t feel like I can share my struggles with anyone.  Even if I was still in treatment, I know that my therapist is on holidays right now.  My roommate, close friends, and family all saw me doing so well the past few months…I don’t want to disappoint them with the choices I’ve been making lately.

I have however reached out a bit…kind of.  There is an AMAZING website created by Shannon Cutts, auther of Beating Ana: How to outsmart your eating disorder and take your life back. She firmly believes that relationships replace eating disorders, and created Mentor Connect.  This is a website that survives off of donations and is an amazing community full of wonderful people who have somehow been touched by eating disorders and/or recovery.

I’m currently reading Shannon’s book and was both intruiged and hopeful for help, so I checked out the website last week.  After a short application process (easy-peasy), I created my profile and began searching for a mentor (you can also join the site as a mentor).  I think I’ve found one…we have only e-mailed (and likely will…me being in Canada and all ) so far but I read her bio and feel like we are a good ‘match’.  I’m excited and releaved to know that someone, somewhere, is out there who knows what I’m going through and can help me through this time.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately.  I had off-days over the past several months, but am usually able to fight through it and stay on track in terms of my eating plan.  It felt like I was just waiting for the ball to drop though…almost looking for a reason to give in to Ed.  To me, it felt almost inevidable that a full-out relapse was going to happen and I just wanted to get it over with.  To be clear, I didn’t want to relapse…it just felt like I’d been on the brink of it for months and it was like ‘ok!  just happen already!’  There was something very uncomfortable about teetering on the edge like that for so long.

Last week I was off work, and being alone (my roommate was at work still) is always tricky.  Looking back on my last post, it seems so long ago that I felt inspired and hopeful.  Right now I feel lost, secretive, alone, and disappointed. It all happened so fast and even though I felt like it was coming, I’d forgotten just how quickly I get sucked back in to all this.

I want to reach out for help, but it’s hard.  I feel like everyone has seen me doing so well this year and that they wouldn’t know what to do with this.  And I’m not sure even I know what to do with this.  It’s all very uncertain.  It’s a cloudy day today outside…sometimes you just need a cloudy day to remind you that even though it’s not there every day, the sun will shine again.

I was thrilled to be able to speak again (I spoke at two events in February for Eating Disorder Awareness Week) and was once again overwhelmed by the support I received.  It’s always empowering to simply sit down and right out what I want to say first and foremost (another reason why I love this blog, regardless of who reads it).  To take into account and recall all the experiences that have got me to where I am today is helpful and motivates me to continue this fight.  I shared that volunteering with the coalition has been essential to my recovery.  Once I found my voice that had been stiffled for a loooong time, the coalition gave me the space to be open, honest, and candid in sharing my story.  So many people have been supportive of me each and every step of the way, and I’m so grateful for that.

But the highlight of the event for me was listening to two 12 year old girls share.  They were both a part of the Gr. 6 Girls Groups that the EDA coalition has recently started.  I was trained as a facilitator for these groups last year, but was unable to use these skills and lead a group as I was focusing on my own recovery.  But it was so wonderful and inspiring to hear how the groups have affected these young girls.  The cirriculum (derived from EveryBody’s a Somebody) is amazing — age-approriate and fun, the lessons focus on building a positive body image, improving and maintaining self-esteem, and being media savvy.

I was close to tears hearing the strength, integrity, and self-acceptance in the voices of these 2 girls.  They shared what they had learned through the groups and how they have changed for the better.  They love themselves for the unique individuals they are and have developed an amazing sense of self that was apparent in the words they shared with us.  One of the girls ended her talk by saying “My wish is for you all to love yourselves because you are beautiful because you’re you and I’m beautiful because I’m me!”  Like I said, it almost brought me to tears.  What an amazing opportunity for these girls.  I can only hope that one day, every girl gets the chance to be a part of these groups.

So remember, you are beautiful because you’re YOU.  I’m beautiful because I’m ME!

I’ve done overnights like this with other families, but this is the first time with Sam.  He did pretty well and didn’t seem to be missing mommy and daddy too much.  But let me tell YOU…being a mom (single mom at that) is tough work.  Props to all the mamas out there!!

I wouldn’t say that the ‘looking after the kid’ part is tough…it’s the isolation.  Don’t get me wrong, we got out quite a bit (dinner with my family, out for breakfast, even to the blood donor clinic lol) but there’s only so many activities you can do with a 2 year old.  And then he sleeps for 3 hours in the afternoon and is in bed by 8ish.  After that…what’s a girl to do?  Unfortunately Abby+alone+too much time with her thoughts doesn’t always turn out so hot.

To be completely honest, I definitely slipped up this week.  I wouldn’t say full-out relapse…more of a lapse (more temporary yes?).  I think it was a combonation of the time alone this week and returning home from the bike trip.  It’s always interesting coming home after a week or more of being on a bike trip.  I’ve said before that I do well (in a lack of Ed sense) on the trips, but then coming home….much trickier.

I tell myself the entire bike trip that “for this week, I will NOT have an eating disorder“…it’s like my mantra.  It works pretty well for the most part…but I think the reason it works is because I know it’s only for a week and once I get home, I can choose to do what I want.  So then when I DO get home….it’s a toss up.  I do truely and honestly want to be well and healthy.  I want to recover.  But when something gets thrown my way (say, alone every night at 8 o’clock?), it still seems like Ed swoops in like a super hero to save the day the jerk who ruins a good party .

So I’m back home again, less one 2 year old (at his grandparents’ cottage for a week).  But I get here and turns out my roommate’s boyfriend is staying here for a few days.  This is another one of those things that ‘gets thrown my way’.  I love my roommate and I’m really happy for her.  It’s just that a) I don’t really know her boyfriend that well and b) from what I do know about him, I’m not sure I like him all that much yet :S.  drama. I haven’t told her any of this, but I feel like when he’s here, I’m a guest in my own apartment.  I feel like I can’t just walk around in my pj’s or without makeup or just be myself. And I don’t like that feeling.  Because when I don’t feel like I can be myself, I end up being Ed. I end up staying in my room (isolating), changing outfits 4 or 5 times  and worried about what I’m eating (preoccupied/obsessed with how I look and with food) and I don’t like it.  It also reminds me that I don’t have a boyfriend…but that’s a whole other post .

The problem is that my roommate’s boyfriend lives 1 1/2 hrs from here so they don’t get to see eachother that often.  But usually they see each other on weekends, and so far, he’s been coming here.  I don’t feel like it’s my place to say that I have a problem with him being here, because I think the problem is with me.  Just another something Abby has to work on I suppose…

I was very proud of myself for fueling my body well throughout the trip.  We had several looooooong days (3 over 140km) and continous re-fueling wasn’t an option but a necessity.  You just had to or you’d never make it.  I took on this challenge with a strength I haven’t felt in a long time…probably from all I’ve learned in recovery since the last bike trip.  I had a great mindset going into this trip – I was excited for it and ready for a break from everyday life.

A close extended family member (also in recovery) asked me the other day how I would be now that I was at home, not biking everyday all day.  It’s an interesting question to say the least .   I’m optimistic for sure.  I want to continue to fuel myself properly and I try to remind myself each day moment about how it felt to be fed well, have energy, and be carefree. It was a good feeling…WAY better than feeling weak and sick.  It’s not easy, it’s still a struggle, but I’m hopeful.  All that said, I know that I need a bit of a boost or something going into the summer, so I’m hoping to have one more session with my prime therapist.  Due to work/time/summer/etc., I don’t think I’ll be seeing my therapist for quite a while.

SO! I thougth I had learned all my “life lessons” on the trips so far (ya right!) BUT I’ve got another for ya!

Lesson #4: LOVE YOUR CURVES!!

Ok so the lesson didn’t start out with the word ‘your’ in it.  What happened was that on this trip, we had (it seemed like) hours and hours on long, flat, straight roads.  I looked forward to the albeit small hills that we would approach, just to switch it up a bit.  Even better, were the curves!!  OOOH CURVES!  A bend in the road was pure bliss!  I couldn’t wait for a curve to offer a new direction, a new view of the landscape.

The first few days, I didn’t think too much of this new found love of mine.  I just loved the bends in the road.  But I’ll tell you one thing…hours and hours on a bike in the prairies leaves you a LOT of time to think.  And it only took a bit of time to see the irony in all this.  What’s so bad about curves anyway??? “Curves” I think is a very general term and has a different and unique definition for each individual.  I remember that I used to view words like “curvey” as very negative, even attacking.  It felt like a put-down to me to hear those words.  But I’m starting to see the beauty, strength, and pride in the word.

This is ME.  This is MY BODY.  It’s the only one I’ll get and I intend to appreciate each and every inch of it.

LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE YOUR BODY. LOVE YOUR CURVES!!